Somewhere Between Denial and Acceptance

I went to a gym for the first time in years today, and it felt good. But not as great as I'd hoped it would.

You see, there's a problem that I am not quite uncomfortable with.
 
I have gained weight.

There, I've said it on the internet, which makes it real. Like posting your relationship on Facebook.

Not a lot. But enough to notice.

Throughout this last year, staying healthy has been hard for me.

On occasions when I find that I am a combination of stressed out and being forced to eat my lunch at 10:30 in 20 minutes, when I finally do get home I eat my feelings. Which is bad news when I like goldfish, potatoes, nachos, chocolate. You name the food that is not allowed on a fad diet, I enjoy it and make up for my stress by enjoying bad food. Too much of it.

When I've been walking around all day and only got 5 hours of sleep the night before and then sat at my desk and read essays with horrible grammar for two hours before I head home after school, I tend to be tired.

Most recently when I got home at the end of the school year the very last thing I want to do is go for a run. Between my fixed pair of sneakers being two years old* , and my running options being  limited because I live in a part of the city where one street is suburbia, and the next one over I might get mugged (And when I say might I mean will.) it makes things difficult motivation wise.
* Let me explain this fixed thing before we get too far. I have one leg slightly longer than the other. Which means any pair of shoes I get have to be "fixed" with a 3/4 inch. Moral of the story is every pair of shoes costs be 30 more dollars and can't be word right after they're bought.*

Now all of these might come off as excuses to my cyberspace readers. And as I tell my students, excuses are like bellybuttons. Everyone has them, but they don't do much good. I guess I don't mean all of these things as excuses. By writing it here I think I'm trying to sort out how I got to where I am. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not like bed ridden or have health problems or have been effected at work or whatever because of my weight. But I am in the worst "physically fit" shape I've ever been in. Which for me, as a 23 year old woman who is newly married and has her life ahead of her is NOT where I was looking to be. 

And writing it down is a little embarrassing. But then again, so is not fitting into your summer clothing as nicely as I'd like to. They still fit, but it takes a little more effort than it did last year.

So I don't know if any of you got the memo, but running gets harder the more you weigh. Especially when I already have a bad ankle due to that whole aforementioned silly leg differential not being discovered until high school. So as I started finding time I discovered that going for a run was not the best option for my old sneakers and slightly more full-figured body. I could only really comfortably go for a 20 minute run. This is a problem when I've signed up to run a 10K THIS AUGUST.

No you did not read that incorrectly, this ex-rugby girl who could run for 80 minutes straight while being tackled, tackling, and lifting others; whose body aches after a measely mile and a half is going to attempt to run 6.3 miles in 2 months.

Houston, we've got some issues.

With all of this said, about two weeks ago, when I had actually gained the strength to look in the mirror for more than 5 minutes and actually make the first step to admit to myself that I had gained weight, I decided I was going to have to go about this a different way.

While in the "off season" during both college and highschool, I had to find ways to stay in shape. I went for runs, but unfortunately, unlike my 3 rail thing sisters, it didn't always come easily to me. So during those seasons I also went to the gym. In college this was easy enough as they forced you to pay for it so it was kind of a waste not to go. And it was BRAND NEW AND GORGEOUS. I got spoiled.

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Once I realized I was visiting the river of denial about my weight (as mentioned above) a couple of weeks ago, I knew I needed to find a plan B, because running was literally getting me nowhere.

As soon as I got out of school from my staff day Thursday, I signed up at the closest gym. I knew I needed another option in order to get fit. They offer lower impact options that I can do for longer without being affected like the stair stepper and elliptical.

Some of you may be thinking "Well that's all fine and dandy but you're not stair stepping 6 miles in August, you're running them."
First off, you seem sassy, which I like. Secondly I agree. But I think I need to loose some inches off of my new spare tire before I can do so comfortably.

This means nutrition will ALSO have to play a role.

The only time in my life when I actively tried to loose weight was when I moved home to student teach for 8 weeks. I would get home without any grading, parent worries, adult problems, etc, work out on my parent's elliptical for an hour, and also was counting my calories with an online tool.

I tried picking this back up when I was coming to the realization that I maybe might have gained some weight before my wedding. I've tried to do it 4 times since then, and it hasn't stuck. I guess I've been too busy...getting by. In my profession, in my new marriage, in life.

Now that I have been presented with the opportunity of time aka summer vacation, I am going to try again. And I am hoping I'll be able to make a more steadfast commitment to doing this. I more than hope, I have to. It's what I know works, and I need to get healthier.

So when I went to the gym today for the first time since college , ( since I was under the impression that everyone can just pick up running and enjoy it no matter who they are RIGHT?) it felt good.

But man those mirrors don't lie.

So it didn't feel great to go on the elliptical for 45 minutes and lift some arm weights next to people with 3% body fat. Just good.

Which is okay, because I'm just at the start of what I'm hoping to be a successful journey.

Don't worry, I'm not going to only blog from here on out about my count for the day, or how many pints of sweat I sweat at the gym, or the weight that I've lost. I might update in part of a post about whether I'm feeling good or not, or some meal I've made that was delicious and nutritious. But do not fret. Most of the content here will be on stupid faces my dog makes, how much my husband does for me, how wonderful my friends are, and how much of a struggle my daily life tends to be. This post is not a turning point, but more of a preface on some parts of posts or advice I might seek later.

Thank you ahead of time to those whom I know will give me a warm and fuzzy internet hug and support me when I insert a sentence here and there on how I overate or skipped the gym or made my goal or have had a little success.

 As for everyone else reading...well...here's an internet hug. Because no one likes a scrooge, especially in June.

The Blogging Game.

So I'm posting not because I have a ton to write about and am dying to share my life. I'm posting because I realized a few things:

1. I've been averaging about 3 posts per week, and I was hoping to do something closer to 5. I figured staying regular would encourage followers out there. I am trying my best to do better.

2. I think my last three posts have had mentions of Bruin, or at least pictures of him. Now while starting this out I knew he would be a regular feature on here just because he's always around, easy to write about because of his circus like antics and is extremely photogenic. (He gets it from his papa. Dave doesn't take bad pictures.) But I don't want this to just be a "dog" blog. Don't get me wrong, I love writing about him, love linking up to Tail Wagging Tuesday to share stories about my dog and read about others etc. But I want to make sure I'm not focusing too much into just one demographic of reader.

Also if I overload any followers with too much information, I run the risk of Bruin having a celebrity stalker type situation that leads to attempted kidnappings. There can only be one of us in that situation here.

3. Progress reports for my students come out tomorrow. There's a looming pile of grading in my bag to finish before tomorrow. Sooooo blogging is a logical thing to do right?


SO it's also been one of those rocky couple of weeks. I've been a little preoccupied and a little more stressed. Like I posted earlier, there have been lots of ramblings within the city about the budget and cuts. The city raised the budget, but because of inflation etc, there will need to be some cuts within the district even still. So I've had a lot of late nights, in depth discussions, and time just spent thinking. My fate is a little clearer but it's not set in stone and I have some decisions to make. I just keep on having to tell myself that they'll happen in time.


So, with that said, I am super excited tomorrow is Friday. I only have my 7th graders for long blocks. Which don't get me wrong I live for teaching both grades, but it's nice to just have one grade sometimes since each age has it's strengths and weaknesses.
Also, I don't, (er, Dave doesn't, in case you didn't get the memo, Dave is an angel and packs my lunch when I'm running around in the morning yelling about how all of my pants are too short, ) have to pack lunch because our Principal and Assistant Principal are providing us a complimentary Teacher Appreciation Week lunch. SO FANTASTIC.
Another plus is that it's supposed to be nice out so we can have Track practice outside again. (I'm one of the middle school track coaches, I guess I didn't mention that yet...) There's totally a difference between working the kids hardcore in a closed in room versus an open space where your workout options are plentiful.

Finally, just the fact that it's Friday is good enough I guess. :-)

It's been one week since you looked at me...

So as I looked at my blog, I realized it's been just over one week since I started this thing. It's actually tougher than I thought it would be to come up with posts. I've found I'm constantly going back and forth from what I actually want to write, and trying to figure out what people would actually want to read. (Whoever those "people" may be...)

I haven't posted since Tuesday because it turned into one of those weeks that was pretty calm at the start and turned into a whirlwind. One of those whirlwinds you don't know if it's going to last a week and subside on the spot, or push you into a hurricane.

So what kind of storm do we have coming in?

As you may know I'm a teacher, and 'tis the season for school budgets.

Long story short, the school department wanted an increase, the city council said no. The school department stayed with their original number, and the city told them to cut a couple million. This new number does not meet the state minimum, which would then penalize the schools by a few more million plus the first couple million.

Cue in the school department with the cuts that would have to happen in order to make this number meet... one of which being at least two positions at my school. (Among 7 billion other things like all sports at the high school and middle school, full day kindergarten to half day, 4 day school weeks, etc) And that's with the school department only coming up with half of the money required. The personal kicker is that I was the very last hire at my school. They filled no new positions this year, and I was a late hire into the year last year.

This all happened on Wednesday. Let the whirlwind begin. Myself, the hubby, and my good friend Katie went to the school board meeting on Wednesday to have a presence and to get the details straight. I'm super happy we went because I think I have a better idea as to what is going on.

So, these were just proposals from the school department. The next step is it goes to the City Council on Monday. The City Council will either say, "Whoah, we didn't realize the state would cut so much, let's figure something else out." Or they'll say, "Yep, totally meant to do that. Let's put it up to a city vote."

I have no way of predicting what's going to happen on Monday or even after that. All I know is when you're low man on the totem pole you've got to pay attention. So that's what I'll be doing on Monday night. Either with my eyes peeled to the  my tv screen or at the town hall itself.

I have been having a lot of conversations. With my husband. With my parents. With other teachers. (New and ripened.)  With friends.

And which conversations helped me keep my head on straight the rest of the week without breaking down in the middle of the day over not having enough handouts?

The kids. Those kids saved me this week.

I may talk in the future about how 12, 13, and 14 year olds are sometimes exhausting. How they take a lot of energy. About how they're still figuring out who they are and sometimes have a hard time using their manners or just sitting down.

But, there's something about a young teenager picking up a paper, looking at the newest news on the budget, and coming over and asking you to explain it because they're concerned. There's something about them asking who's going to be let go if this all happens, and when you say there's no way for anyone to know, they make a face and say, "Well that's not fair because all of the teachers here are good." There's something about the students coming into class, and simply just getting to work. No talking about what's going on, no small talk about "what they've heard" or "what's happened in the past". Just doing what they need to do and smiling while they do it. Because in a way, I think they can sense that at that moment, that is exactly what you need from them.

Because my students could fill that role for me this week, I have been able to put some sort of positive spin on the situation. And while I haven't completely found my happy on this one, I have in a way found a little bit of peace.

If this is the calm before the storm, then once it starts to pour I know I have enough support and love around me to head in a different direction.

But, if those clouds were just a red herring and decide to open up to let some sunshine in so I can continue on with the journey that I'm on with this district uninterrupted, then I'll be happy to smile and walk on.

Either way, those clouds will have to do something.

I have a feeling, I can react just fine to whatever they may bring.




Credit for Photos go to:
Jennifer Ellison at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Dan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net